17 January, 2008

I Want to Know God

I've been out of commission for the most part this week due to a battle with kidney stones and it has taken a toll on me. Today as I began feeling some better, it was painfully obvious to me that something else was wrong. You know when you are in pain and feeling sick, it tends to mess with you spiritually too. But sometimes it is hard to admit that this is the problem.
Don't ask me why, it just is. Maybe it is guilt? Maybe shame? Maybe even pride? Probably all of these. But the fact is, I knew inside that something was not right, and I knew that what was missing was my fellowship with the Lord.
I found myself doing the old song and dance of questioning myself: "How can this be? I'm pastor... that can't be the issue. I've prayed. I've read the Bible. That's not what is wrong."
But it was.
As I pulled away the layers of facade and excuse and got honest I realize that my time in the Word, my time in prayer has been more of an obligatory thing the past few days and my heart was not in it. I my soul was crying out because the lover of my soul was being missed!

So, I began to try to push through the guilt and in a very religious way began to ask God to forgive me... when I heard the voice of the Lord say, "Darrell, come and be with me awhile." I began to weep in the arms of the Lord and I felt the warmth and presence that was so being missed by my inner man. I started to say the words, "I'm sorry..." but as I formed them with my lips I heard the Lord say, "No condemnation, my son." I simply got lost in is presence for the next couple of hours. (If you don't know the secret of being in his presence, you have missed it folks.)

After some time I was just sitting in a chair in my office at home looking out the window and watching the snow, I thought, "I could have stayed there forever."
As I thought about this time with the Lord, a song came to mind that Julie Meyer wrote and sings. One of the lines of that song says, "When it comes to God, it's never enough," referring to the more you know of God and the more of His presence you get in your life, the more you want.

I find myself wanting more. I want to stay in that kind of anointing and presence.
Take me there Lord. Help me to stay there.
Quoting Julie's song:

I want to know Your passion
I want to love Your Name
I want to feel Your mercy when I’m
Standing in the middle of the flame
I want to know God

Iwant to know
The secret place of Your thunder
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know
The hidden secrets of the Ages
And down ancient paths to walk
I want to know God

No comments: