"He's the nicest guy I've met in ages. It's not as
if I ever meet anyone - and who knows, he might become a Christian."
I've had this discussion several times over the past
couple of weeks. Should Christians go out with or date a non-Christian? It's the
age old problem of having a Christian girlfriend or boyfriend that doesn't
believe. The question is, "Is dating nonbelievers an option for
Christians?" Shouldn't we be equally yoked with someone who believes in Christ?
Well
here's a few thoughts and what the Bible has to say about this subject.
Let
me be clear that there is nothing inherently wrong with dating a non-Christian.
There are many stories of Christians going out with non-Christians who ended up
giving their life to God and the two go on to get married and live happily ever
after. But let's be totally honest. There are also an abundance of stories that
run contrary to that fairy tale love story, and the end result is a story of great
heartache and eventual splitting of partners either before or after marriage.
I've counseled with countless young ladies over the years who found themselves
pregnant and alone, and the story is always the same... "he said he'd love
me forever." That's not to say that everyone who dates a non-believer is
going to end up pregnant, but the heartbreak is just as real when the breakup
occurs, whether it be before or after marriage.
Society
puts so much pressure on young people. All around you, you see other people
drifting in and out of casual relationships, everyone else is having all the
fun and you end up wondering if you'll end up alone and so you wonder why you
don't try it yourself! To make things trickier still, some non-Christians have
higher morals, and are more faithful and understanding
than
their fellow Christians. It's a real dilemma! And at times, it does seem unfair
of God to restrict us to the few that are Christian in the real sense. Trying
to find someone with whom you click, who you find attractive and who you know
loves the Lord - can be so difficult that staying on Gods side of the fence can
seem like too much to ask of anyone!
We
find ourselves wondering, "Should I ask that non- Christian guy out at
work? Should I be less fussy?"
In
the end it distracts from the real meaning of Christian life. Not to mention
hours wasted barking up the wrong trees! And it leaves us wondering if we
should we consider dating a non-Christian partner outside the church when one
inside seems so elusive?
So...
What does the Bible say about all of this?
1)
The bible says guard your heart above all.
2)
We can see with Jesus as our model that as Christians we are limited in the
things we can do. We have to sacrifice many things that the rest of the world
does not, and one of those things is the vast choice of people with whom we can
have a husband/wife relationship.
3)
The Bible clearly states that marrying a nonbeliever is to be avoided. (do not
be yoked with unbelievers or non Christians.) However, if you find this
dogmatic, consider the sensitive way it addresses people who are already in a relationship
with a nonbeliever. Far from consigning them both to hell it offers
constructive advice and says that the Christians' faith actually sanctifies the
nonbeliever in the relationship. That is
NOT to be taken to mean that dating a non-Christian is a good idea.
4)
Be careful who you get together with as bad company corrupts good character. A
great question to ask yourself with any relationship is "how will this
person help me to grow spiritually?"
That begs the question, "Can a non-Christian partner help you
spiritually?" I don't think so!
5)
The Bible tells us that few will enter the kingdom of heaven which is important
because it follows that the number of potential partners
available
to us will be equally few. It is therefore to be expected that meeting
compatible people is difficult.
There
are some other aspects of this to consider. For instance:
A
mature Christian woman dating a spiritually immature man...
This
may or may not worry you but consider the fact that the bible says the man
should be the spiritual leader in a relationship. Spiritual maturity simply does
not come overnight leaving it highly unlikely that a
new
Christian man could lead a mature Christian woman.
Another
thing is that when the Bible speaks of being unequally yoked, it is not simply
talking about do you both go to the same church. As we all know, not everyone
who goes to church is a Christian.
When
you go out with a non-Christian or a weak Christian, you may discover that you
have opposite views on certain societal issues. You may have an issue that you
are passionate about, such as abortion or same sex marriages, that your partner
may not consider issues at all! Such differences will lead to strong contention
and dissention in your home.
Another
key issue is that of what commitment means.
Commitment to them a non or weak believer may not be anywhere near what
commitment means to you. This will give them an unfair advantage (in their
mind) in a relationship as they can break certain rules that you can't, which
can lead you to feel pressured to break those "rules" in order to
hold their interest. This really happens! It's much better when both parties
have the same
rulebook.
For example, when it comes to an issue like no sex before
marriage,
if one partner is willing to break the rules, you are in trouble. I promise you
that it will take both of you to say 'no'. When one is
indifferent,
temptation will be hard to resist!
Is
the person you're dating someone you'd like to marry?
Being
able to talk about your deepest emotions, hopes and fears in the light of God
is something most Christians would want from a life-long partner. Can you have
this kind of relationship with an unbeliever?
Most
Christians agree that in the end something is missing. It can be like talking
to someone who "isn't home" for want of a less arrogant sounding
description. Consider what you want.
Let's
be fair... It is true that many non-Christians have good relationships (though
they could never be as fulfilling as a right relationship
in
which both partners included God.) With one believer and one nonbeliever the scales
are uneven and liable to tip.
Let's
summarize
1)
Does the person you're interested in have the spiritual Spiritual maturity you
need? (especially important for women)
2)
In a relationship with a non-Christian you may be tempted to compromise your
beliefs in order to stay appealing.
3)
Falling in love is easy. In a romantic relationship it may be difficult to
escape a relationship with an unbeliever if it turns out to be wrong.
4)
Consider carefully whether short term gain is worth giving yourself to what
could be the wrong person.
5)
While there can be nothing wrong with dating a non-Christian, you never know
when a casual date will turn into a lifelong love.
6)
If you don't want to end up marrying a non-Christian, don't date one.
(The preceding is an adaptation from an article that appeared in Fusion 101 in 2004)
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