12 June, 2012
The Poopie List
OK... if you are easily offended or grossed out, stop reading now, and just forget you even saw this post. You've been warned!
I've carried this list in a file in my desk drawer for 24 years, and I finally decided to share it here.
Ladies and Gentlemen... the Poopie List.
You feel it come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet!
The poopie comes out and you see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper! (Also see UPPER-CLASS POOPIE.)
Even after wiping your butt 50 times, it still feels unwiped. You end up putting some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you don't get a nasty poopie stain.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE:
Happens when you stand up after poopie-ing and start to pull your pants up. You suddenly realize that you have to poopie some more.
"POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD" POOPIE:
A poopie that causes you to strain so much, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE:
The poopie is so big, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
So noisy, everyone within earshot starts giggling.
Occurs after a long night of drinking. Most noticeable trait is the skidmarks in the toilet bowl.
"GEE, I WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE:
You'd really like to poopie, but all you do is siton the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE:
A poopie that hurts so much on the way out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways!
THE POWER DUMP POOPIE:
A poopie that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with toilet water.
You sit down to poopie and liquid shoots out of your butt so bad that you think you are peeing from your butt.
Leaves no odor and may also have the characteristics of a CLEAN POOPIE.
You're not near the toilet and think you are just going to fart ... but oops! ... it's a poopie!!
THE DANGLING POOPIE:
A tough poopie that refuses to drop into the toilet, even thoughyou are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. Also referred to as a Klingon.
MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE POOPIE:
This poopie occurs after eating at the Mexican restaurant and is characterized by an explosion that shoots brown liquid all over the toilet bowl, the seat and your butt cheeks and usually burns worse coming out than it did going in.