13 February, 2008

Why Do They Keep Going Back?

You see it all the time; an attractive woman who is intelligent and has everything to offer, dating (or married) to a man who does not appreciate her and cheats on her, and she takes him back again and again and again. The question is: WHY?

I’ve studied Psychology and I can give you all kinds of answers from that perspective; but I will spare you all that for the time being. In my line of work (Pastor/counselor) I have dealt with this scenario more times than I can count. I’d love to tell you that I have all the answers, but I’d be a rich man laying on a beach in the Bahamas today if that were the case. The truth is… (Are you ready for this?) I don’t get it at all.

As I said, I have seen this dozens of times, probably more than 100 times over the years. I dealt with it when I worked full-time as a counselor. I’ve dealt with it in the church. I’ve witnessed it among some of my own family and with my closest friends. I am amazed at how often I see this with what I would call kids, (teenagers to young adults).

Young ladies who discover their boyfriends have been cheating on them, sleeping with other girls/women, and they may break up with the guy, but they keep taking them back. I want to SCREAM at them that if he is doing this to you know, you had better believe he is going to CONTINUE to do it when you marry the dude! I don’t care how much he cries and tells you he is sorry, he is manipulating you. Listen, I will go so far as to give the guy a break and say that if it happens once, you MAY want to give him a second chance… but if it happens a second time (or more) get out of that relationship FAST and don’t look back!

If I had a five spot for every time I told a woman that and they ignored my advice and married the clod and were divorced within 2 years, I could take my family on a weeks vacation to Florida! No, I am not exaggerating in the least. Every woman who is in this situation thinks that her guy and her situation is unique and that she can “fix” the guy and live happily ever after. Won’t happen: I’ll bet you on that!

The sad truth is, some where, some time in that woman’s life, (more times than not) one of two things has happened, if not both:

1) The young girls father cheated on her mother, which may or may not have caused that marriage to end in a divorce.

In this scenario, somewhere in the back of sub-conscious mind of the young woman she thinks that she can do better than her mother did and she will hold on to her man. (I could go so much deeper here, but this will have to suffice for now.)

2) The young girls has been either physically or emotionally abused (or both) and she come to the conclusion (sub-consciously) that she does not deserve better than this. She’s been told and trained to believe that it is all her fault, so when this guy is unfaithful, it’s not him, it is her. (Again, volumes could be written here, but this will suffice for now.)

I have to tell you, when I see these women and young ladies going through this type of abuse, there is a part of me that wants to grab them and shake them and tell them to wake up. (Oh, that it were that simple!) There is also a part in me that wants to smack the daylights out of the dude who is perpetrating the abuse to these ladies. My daughter made the comment a few days ago that if her husband ever did that she has a feeling that her daddy will be there to deal with it. She’s probably right, but I don’t believe my baby would ever fall into this kind of relationship to begin with.

OK… I have ranted enough for now. I know this is quite a leap from my normal writings, but I’ve been seeing this so much with people I care about here lately that I just could not hold it in any longer.

1 comment:

Libby said...

You're right. It has much to do with self esteem. The girl can't see that being alone is NOT worse than putting up with that!