11 August, 2006

A Look Inside My Head

I don’t know if any of the rest of you guys and gals out there in the blogging world find blogging to be like this, but for me, some days writing a post is hard.

Sometimes I sit and look at the screen and nothing is there. I mean the cupboard is bare. Sometimes I come back to the computer several times a day and I will begin to write… and then I delete. Then I write and I delete over and over again telling myself I'm too being to harsh today, or too negative, too melodramatic or maybe that I am just being too boring today. And so, the blog sits without a post because I fear that readers might discover I really have no ability to write, and then they might not come back again.

You know, it is really funny; when all this began almost a year ago, I was not concerned at all if anyone ever read The Dawghowse. It was not about that at all. And truthfully, it still is not really about that, yet at the same time, I have come to realize that it's hard to blog when you know that people are reading. I am humbled and honored when I take a peek in and see where my readers hail from and I discover that every week I have readers from roughly 40 different states, and 15 to 20 different countries. And the funny thing is that Once I began to realize that there are actually people out there reading my thoughts, then the expectations I began to impose on myself became huge and sometimes I tend to shut down for fear that someone will not like what I have to say.

Sometimes I think I will just quit or maybe change to a new blog under an assumed name so that nobody knows who I am… thinking that the anonymity will give me more freedom to write what I really think. (Some of you are finding it hard to believe that I could ever have a hard time voicing my opinion, right?)

Well, those of you who know me know all too well that it’s not so much that I have trouble saying what I think. The problem is, I realize that everyone knows I am a Pastor, and people expect me to be “the preacher” all the time, but the reality is, I am a husband and father. I am a friend. I am brother or uncle to some of my readers. And let’s not forget… I am a nut. I love to have fun and to laugh. Call me what you will, but I bust a gut laughing at some things I see and hear, and I also get really angry when I see others. I am human.

But I often fear that if people see all of me, then they will form a negative opinion of the God that I love and serve. So, sometimes some of the best stuff gets deleted before you ever see it. I know I cannot please everyone, but sometimes the pressure gets great.

Okay… I am rambling now. See what I mean? I wasn't going to post because I knew this would happen...but that's what's on my mind today.

I think I will go ahead and post this one rather than hit the delete button. And if you don’t like it… well, I hope you’ll come back another day and maybe I will really have something worth saying. Then again… maybe I won’t!

9 comments:

Neil said...

I think we all feel this way. For me I find myself lately being preachy, feel guilty about it, then remember it's my blog and I can do what I want, then feel guilty about that...I'm just glad that you keep writing, I enjoy your stuff!

Henry Haney said...

Honestly, I think most people find it refreshing that pastors know how to laugh at themselves and struggle with human emotions. People need to know that we don't live in some kind of sterile parallel universe, but we live in a real world just like everyone else.

I enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work!

your pal
-Henry

Anonymous said...

i think the good thing about blogging is that you can be yourself.. i'm the type of person that doesn't really concern myself about what everybody thinks so i pretty much just say what i want...my intentions are not to offend any one but if it happens i hope they will forgive me!!! sometimes it's easier to express ourselves here. I think we're doing a good job of that! So i think we should keep up the good work!! Blog on, Darrell!!!

Sean McKee said...

Darrell,

We all know you are a loon so don't worry about it. The fact that you are as bent as you are and still about to cope is a testimony to the grace of God!!!

I am being a little sarcastic to get my point across... The days of the Holier-Than-Now preacher-man are gone. They never really existed but people now just know and talk more. It is harder to hide all those skeletons. The preacher must pursue holiness, not pretend holiness, but he must be real too.

Being Holy means being set apart. This blog is a window into your daily life so that people can see that it is possible to be set apart and be a real person at the same time. As Joe Dirt said in his movie, “you got to just keep on, keep’n on” preacher man!

Sean McKee said...

oops, type-o, that is "able to cope", not "about to cope".

See, none of us are perfect!

Amy said...

i sometimes feel that way also like neil said we all do at some point.PLEASE keep writing i like reading your posts ,they inspire me and sometimes gives me a smile . Dont worry about what others think ( hmm where have i heard that before!!!)your a person with emotions first then a pastor , write what you want to write about , thats what a blog is for!!!

Exqsme said...

hey keep blogging... and I won't tell you what I've heard what happened to some pastors who blog ROFL .. of course those were extreme cases.

But hey I know of a board for all the pastors wives.. a place to hide from the boyz :)

It's wives of men in the ministry.. if interested email me ( Exqsmeplz@hotmail.com ) And they have a pretty tight application to try and be sure that you're a wife of the ministry.. to keep it exclusive and a spot away from the regulr rung of things.

right now the board I frequent is down though, however I do know of a couple of such boards. I know poor Darrell.. don't help you out.. but hey it can help out wifey! hehehehehehe

There must be a message board out there for pastor's as well.. I just don't know of any because Troy really isn't into that sort of thing. Hey I'm still trying to get him to blog regularly ROFL

maybe Ill keep poking him with a stick?

BUT at any rate .. KEEP blogging. As long as you'd be comfy with God reading it.. I think that's the best standard. I like reading your blog :)

pssst I have two blogs hahahahahhahaahah one's at Xanga.

ruthrap said...

Darrell, that anonymous comment was me, i goofed again........sorry!..Ruth

David Reish said...

Well, I was going to write something here but I looked at the computer and couldn't think of how to reply so I began to wonder if it were me or could I place the blame on the original content of the post, but then I decided to look else where to find something to inspire to write, but to write would require me to think and thinking at this point seems somewhat pointless... therefore, I have nothing to comment about this blog and will refrain from saying anytthing further about the said topic at hand to which I am currently writing about. So, what was the question again... and where am I?